


No, I Don’t Remember A Thing (But I Do)

by Increa



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-29
Updated: 2014-05-29
Packaged: 2018-01-27 00:44:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1708736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Increa/pseuds/Increa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I'll bring you back, I know I could.</p><p>But no, I don't remember any of my feelings for you, I don't remember a thing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Let's forget about what happened in Marvel's Agents of SHIELD (in case you have seen it) and pretend Nick Fury still works as the director of SHIELD...I'm not that familiar with the Marvel Cinematic Universe though, I just love this couple so much that I have to write something about them, so please forgive me for all the bugs : )

The Winter Soldier never surrendered; he simply walked into the SHIELD, unarmed, claiming that he suddenly remembered it all, while hundreds of guns were pointed at his head. Nick Fury was furious at the news: what, thanks to this guy their beloved Captain America was halfway dead when they found him and still hospitalized, he dispatched nearly all agents he got to go after him and no one came back intact and succeeded, now he says he remembers? What does HYDRA think of him, an idiot? He rushed down the building, personally cuffed him and escorted him to Tony’s lab, tossing “examine the shit out of him” and left.

The thing is, Tony must have run thousands of tests against his brain and ended up with nothing. The Winter Soldier has a perfect memory, memory as both James Buchanan Barnes and the Winter Soldier. It seems that HYDRA has stopped to brainwash him and gave him enough time to recover: his old memory finally had time to catch up. What doesn’t add up is, a normal person would have been freaked out by the two extremely opposite personalities by now, not saying that the Winter Soldier is normal, but this guy doesn’t seem to be bothered at all. He _is_ anxious, though; the only thing he’s asked for repeatedly this entire time is to see Steve, not to talk to him, just to see if he’s okay. Tony got Fury on the line and reported it all, suggesting they should at least notify Steve of this situation. Fury pondered and agreed, but Tony added: “I have to warn you though, we are way behind HYDRA on this brainwash thing, it’s possible that this is still a trap.”

“For Captain, I’d take the risk.” Fury hung up on that. Well, it turns out he has calmed down by now.

It’s hard to tell how Steve responded to this news on the phone, but it didn’t take long before he appeared on Tony’s porch, in his armchair of course. He’s been recovering, rapidly, thanks to the serum, but if it weren’t because of the serum the Soldier would have killed him a hundred times over. Now Tony could tell by his eyes that he couldn’t wait to see the guy who’s responsible for his misery, just not vengeful. Tony warned him again with Fury and his worries, they both know that out of their old time friendship Steve wouldn’t be in his clear mind (sure, he’d let that guy kill him, what wouldn’t he do), before finally let the reunion take place.

“Bucky. You are back.”

If Steve was the first to break the silence, Bucky was the first to burst into tears. “I can’t believe I did this to you.” Now he couldn’t face him anymore. Tony could let out his breath at last, it seemed Bucky was only pretending not to be affected before.

“No no no, don’t do this to yourself. You weren’t yourself.” Steve hushes him, “Funny huh? Used to be you who comforts me when I was all tears.”

Bucky smiled a little. “You used to be such a little guy after all. Then you were not. I didn’t have enough time to get used to this ‘new you’ before…” He bit his tongue, even Tony could see his regret of mentioning this. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to remind you of all this, I fucked up again. Sorry”

But that didn’t make anything up. Steve was like he was stabbed all over again: “No, I’m sorry. Oh god. If I had caught you on that train, none of this would have happened.”

Okay, that’s it, Tony couldn’t take it anymore, so he decided to cut in: “Fury demands to see you right away, Captain.”

“But...” “Go. All I wanted to be sure is that you are ok.”

“Alright, I’ll be back as soon as I can.” Then he left with Tony.

 

He’s finally alone. The Winter Soldier cracked his metal arm open, there’s a microphone inside. He turned it on, reported his location, and smirked: “I got him.”

 

“Bucky is back, I can assure you that. And I don’t think it’s a good idea to lock him in a lab, not that he is complaining.” Even in his armchair, Steve managed to be really convincing. Tony nodded when Fury eyed him; after all, he didn’t want to keep a guy he barely knew who used to be a deadly killing machine in his lab, and he trusted Captain America against all odds. Nick Fury finally decided to free him. “But bear in mind, Steve, Barnes is your responsibility now, if anything goes south…” “I will take him out myself.”

Nick laughed: “Save it till you fully recover, Captain. Please excuse me if I plant a dozen of agents to watch him before that, it’s for his own sake too, HYDRA must want him really bad right now.”

Steve wasn’t happy, but that’s the best he could get. “Yes, I understand.”

 

Bucky visited him in the hospital everyday after that. Steve was always in the rehab center, working out, no matter what the doctor or Bucky said. “The serum, remember? My body can take this.”

Steve left the hospital way earlier than scheduled, with doctor’s approval. Bucky took him home, with a handful of Steve’s stuff. “Hey! I’m not that weak little guy anymore!” “I know, I just wanna do this, like those good old days.” “Yeah, like old days.” Steve stopped his objection, he didn’t look at Bucky either, his smile bitter. That second the Soldier considered if he’d been made already, but something deep inside his head shouted he couldn’t end this game just yet. So he played along.

 

As soon as the door was shut behind Bucky, Steve rapidly turned around and knocked him out. It wouldn’t last long, he recovers too fast, but Tony was there, with the specially made cuffs Steve required to bring with. While they waited for the Soldier to wake up, Tony asked: “What changed your mind?”

“I never need to. I could tell from the very first second that he never remembered a thing. Bucky might always be the tougher guy between the two of us, but I could always tell when he is faking it. But he’s somewhere there, I’m sure of it. And I’m gonna bring him back.”


	2. If You Weren't Him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He lost him all over again.

The Soldier woke up. Ever since he salvaged Captain America, strange memories began to get back to him, memories that seemed to belong to another life. He never knew why he did it, why he didn’t just let his mission drown; it was a pure instinct, like he knew he couldn’t bear to let him die, he couldn’t bear to live without him. Then there was that little guy, so tiny, so ridiculously weak, that he could crush him merely with his metal fingers, whose face resembled so incredibly the man on the bridge, appeared so distinctly yet distantly in his mind. He witnessed his happiness, his sorrow, his stupidity and incredible strength. He witnessed his whole life.

Those memories were relentless, they were the most deadly weapon ever to stall the Soldier. SHIELD must have spent a great number of money to develop this weapon, and who knows how it got into his system, so the Soldier thought. Maybe when that damned blond broke his arm he injected something into him as well. Only that he had got HYDRA check him over and over again yet nothing turned out to be suspicious. At last, he personally demanded to be brainwashed. He’s a soldier, he didn’t need those feelings that hurt him so damned much.

However this time HYDRA got something else planned. Ever since the failure of Project Insight, HYDRA had suffered some major setbacks. But so did SHIELD. They probably wouldn’t survive another straightforward battle, but now that the Soldier had had his memories back yet surprisingly still played their side, they could certainly use it to do something dirty. So they simply paralyzed the part of the Soldier’s brain that was responsible for his feelings, telling him that the memories he got were planted, which belonged to a long lost friend of Captain America who the latter had mistaken him for, and that they needed him to go undercover this time.

HYDRA didn’t tell him that these flashbacks of memory that was planted would grow itself, daily. He was not capable of having the feelings of the role he, or rather, that short haired guy who looked like him so much, played in those old golden days, but by the look of his eyes, that blond was definitely in love with this guy. Hell, like he knows what love is. This is good, he gathered, now that he needed to pretend to be him.

So he’s never imagined this epic failure. He’s never actually done anything to undermine SHIELD, yet here he is, all tied up, in his mission’s bedroom. They never should have sent him here, he belongs to the battlefield, he’s made to be a weapon. He regrets that he has accepted this mission, that’s the first feeling he’s ever had since the last brainwash. But wait, why he’s got feelings now?

Steve studies his confused face, guessing that the Soldier must be bathed with regrets right now. He allows himself to be amused for a while; at least his Bucky is well and alive, he doesn’t mind if he’s himself or not. He will bring him back after all.

“Bucky…”

The rage is sudden and tremendous. “I said, I’M NOT BUCKY!”

Tony responds this time: “You reacted otherwise earlier, I have to admit, you were way cuter back then.”

“Tony, stop it. He needs time.”

Oh, of course I need time, like you know hell. “Fuck it, you faggot. I’m not your sick boyfriend. He died. Now, kill me already, or leave me alone.”

That’s what really hurts Steve, that his whole body goes stiff. Tony finally realizes the significance of this guy, of all this, he decides that he should leave it to the two of them. He pulled Steve out of the room and shut the door. “So he’s the reason you wouldn’t take any of Natasha’s arrangements seriously? You must have really liked him back in the day.”

Steve didn’t say a word, it’s like he’s been deprived of all passions he’s got. So Tony continues: “Listen, Captain, you were right, he needs some serious time, and this is a battle you must win by yourself, no matter how much we’d like to help. I’ll bring some tranquilizer when I’m back, I know you wouldn’t like it, but you wouldn’t risk letting him go again either, am I right? Now, talk to him, he’s got Bucky’s memory, I suppose he’s only not able to understand the significance of it yet. You can help him, and you will.” And he left.

 

Steve doesn’t know how much time he spent leaning against the door, all blank and lost in thought. His wounds seem to get back to him, those which Bucky, no, the Soldier personally inflicted. And he is now behind that door, waiting to be killed, or looking for a way to get out, whatever. Tony’s not back yet, Steve guesses he needs to pull himself together before that.

The door opens, that stupid blond is back. The Soldier waits till he pulled a chair to sit in front of him, like whatever he’s about to say to him, he couldn’t do it standing. He doesn’t look at him the entire time, and the Soldier is unhappy about that. He doesn’t know if it’s really unhappy anyway, it just doesn’t feel right.

“Listen, whoever you are now.” Steve begins, his lash pointed at the ground. “You’ve misunderstood something. We, Bucky and I, weren’t lovers.”

The Soldier is amused this time. He’s been made, but he’s no idiot. “Whatever you say, faggot.”

Steve takes a deep breath. At one point he thinks he couldn’t take it anymore. “Wait till I finish my story. I was secretly in love with him for like my whole lifetime. But he only saw me as his friend, his brother.”

The Soldier doesn’t think he is supposed to feel sorry for this guy. A part of him even shouts “no that’s not the truth you idiot” or “why didn’t you at least tell him” but where the hell does that come from? So he decides to remain silent.

“I always told myself, you should save your feelings for later, your country doesn’t need your heart broken now, so I waited, until he…well, you know, how I didn’t catch him and he fell.” Steve thinks his tear will fall down in any minute if he continues, so he stops speaking.

“Then why are you telling _me_ now?” He should be bored, but instead he’s really anxious he doesn’t know why, either way he doesn’t want to hear it anymore.

“Because,” Steve takes another deep breathe, still not looking at Bucky. “I couldn’t hold it back anymore. Ever since you, well, Bucky, died, I regret two things so deeply that they are eating me up. Of course I regret I couldn’t get closer that day, only a little bit would do. But what I regret more is that until we were separated by life and death, I never told him my feelings for him. I never did. So once I saw your face, one that belongs to him, I swore that the first chance I ever got to talk to you, I need to end my regret. Because I believe, deep inside, you are there somewhere.” He finally lifts his eyes to look at the Soldier, only to find that the latter is silently in tears. This time he’s not faking it.

“If you weren’t him, why are you crying?” Steve was stunned.

The Soldier responded him with his fist, his real one, apparently the bionic one has been taken apart from the wrist so that he could get rid of the cuff. He took the moment when Steve adjusted from the hit to cut the rope on one of his feet that tied him to the chair with the sharp edges of his bionic wrist and swung his another foot that’s still tied up with the chair to Steve, who recovered and tried to knock him out again. This time Steve was the one who’s been knocked out. Before he passed out, he believed he heard the Soldier mumbled something like “maybe he felt the same thing” before he disappeared all over again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you like it plz leave something ^ ^


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